Thursday, January 13, 2011

"I'm Fine"

Never have I said something less true than this. I'm not fine and I have no idea how to go about being fine again. My brain can't seem to wrap it's self around the fact that my dad is gone. I thought I was doing okay. I broke down at the hospital and cried the whole night it happened and throughout the week leading up to the funeral. I barely cried at the funeral. Was something wrong with me? I had moments over the next few days where I would cry. Tonight, the fact that he was really really gone seemed to smack me in the face. I've been in tears most of the night. Is this normal? When should I start to worry that I'm not dealing well?


  1. Personally, I don't cry much at funerals usually. Mattering on how much of a surprise it is, I might not eve seem upset when I find out someone is in trouble, which led me to feel alot of guilt when my aunt had multiple brain anuerisms(sp?) and I was able to just take a deep breath and accept it. When my uncle(the person in my family that at the time probably best understood me despite not having much time to get to know eachother) passed due to lung cancer I cried when I found out and at the funeral but then it all hit me in a wall about a month later, leading to a night spent with my mother trying to comfort me.
    My point is, we cn't really know how we're going to react and grieve when the time comes, and frankly no one has any right to tell us that we're doing it wrong or not. But taken it on a day to day basis and it will all eventually hit.
    I don't know how much of a help any of this is, but I can offer a psychic hug and heartfelt condolences.

  2. Grief is really different for everyone. You can't second guess it, because it really just is. My aunt hasn't been gone a year and I am still reeling...crying at least weekly. Now that my dad has some not-so-serious cancer, I don't feel emotionally able to cope, but I keep telling myself I am fine, but as days go by, I realize its not so much true. We all cope (or don't) in different ways, and I am not really a cryer, but I found that reading up on the stages of grief reminds me that what I feel is normal, my outward reaction may not match, but at least what I feel is. Hope that didn't come off like a pity party, its still really fresh for me and I relate. :0)